I traveled through the country gaining knowledge of my culture, and making life-long friendships, but one day in particular stood out the most.
Correct Sentence: I traveled through the country gaining knowledge of my culture and making life-long friendships. But one day in particular stood out the most.
Analyzing this essay allowed me to go back, and relive the time I spent in Israel.
Correct Sentence: Analyzing this essay allowed me to go back and relive the time I spent in Israel.
When analyzing my essay I submitted to the University of Arizona in the Fall of 2009, I took a few things into consideration.
Correction: I think that learning from "Rules for Writing" this is a run on sentence and has so much information all piled into one. I would have deleted "in the Fall of 2009"
Although I wanted to impress my readers with strong writing and a mature paper, I wanted to show the university who I was as a person.
Correction: I think combining it into all one would have gotten more to the point and sounded more organized. For example..
"I wanted to impress my readers with a mature paper and show the university who I was as a person." I took out "strong writing" but it was unnecessary
These words in particular described the village because it was important for me to get across to the readers at the University of Arizona.
Correction: unnecessary to put "University of Arizona"
I think the tone is strong and aggressive because of the attitude sending.
Correction: TOTALLY WRONG!
* I think my attitude is sending a strong and aggressive tone
When writing this essay for college acceptance I didn’t notice the theme until analyzing my paper
Correction: Unnecessary to put "for college acceptance"
My readers should know by then that was my main topic!
Another example of clothing as a wide theme through out my paper, was the immediate culture shock of when I had stepped off the bus into the Ethiopian Village.
Correction: Clothing, a wide theme through out my paper, was shown through the immediate culture shock I had when stepping into the Ethiopian Village.
**fixed to make more organized
My essay written for admissions to the University of Arizona was the perfect way to show the real experience I had in Israel and the way I found a cultural identity.
Correction: My essay written for admissions to the University of Arizona was the perfect way to show the real Israel experience of how I found my cultural identity.
*fixed to make more organized
With out Adina, I wouldn’t have gained as much as I did as an individual who is extremely proud of Judaism.
Correction: "As in proud and jewish individual, I wouldn't have gained as much as I did with out Adina.
*fixed to make more organized
Overall, I think Hackers book of "Rules for Writing" can help me with the little things such as grammer, punction, and how to form my sentences correctly. But even going back and over analyzing this essay allowed me to see careless mistakes that is talked about in "Rules for Writing" I enjoyed this blog post and seeing what I could have done to make my essay even better. And reading "Rules for Writing" is always extra helpful!
